Healthy Grief vs Unresolved Pain

Healthy Grief vs. Unresolved Pain: Why Some People Heal and Others Stay Stuck in Relationship Loss

When a relationship ends, it’s natural to feel grief, and it’s in our best interest to allow ourselves to fully experience it. Healthy grief helps us release emotions rather than letting them linger and fester. It allows us to heal and eventually move on, creating space for new growth and connection.

But not all grief is healing. Many of us have witnessed friends or family members who remain stuck, seemingly unable to let go of the past. So, what separates those who grieve and move forward from those who stay trapped in sorrow? It comes down to what we believe we have lost. When someone believes they’ve lost their source of love, their grief can feel endless.

Understanding Unhealthy Grief: Gary’s Story

Gary had been in a three-year relationship with Samantha. When she ended things, he was devastated. Like in his past relationships, Gary was more focused on receiving love than giving it. Samantha was affectionate and supportive, but over time, she often felt isolated and unfulfilled with Gary. He saw Samantha as his source of love and validation, so when she left, he felt utterly abandoned.

Gary’s grief wasn’t rooted in losing Samantha as a person he loved; it was about losing the love he was receiving. His sadness became a cycle of self-pity and regret. Without an adult sense of self that could bring love and reassurance from within, Gary felt hopeless and lost. His thoughts became filled with regrets: “If only I had listened to her more…” or “If only I had shown her how much I appreciated her…”

Gary’s sense of self was tied to Samantha, and her departure left him feeling empty and abandoned. He hadn’t built the inner resources necessary to comfort and validate himself, so his grief became a perpetual cycle, leaving him stuck.

The Healing Path of Healthy Grief: Frank’s Story

Frank, on the other hand, faced a different kind of grief. He lost his beloved wife, Beth, and missed her deeply. His grief was real and often overwhelming, but Frank’s sorrow didn’t come from a place of self-pity. He missed Beth’s laughter, her caring nature, and the joy they shared, but he hadn’t relied on her for his sense of worth or identity.

Frank had cultivated a strong sense of self-love and an inner source of wisdom and compassion. This made all the difference. His grief would come in waves, but he allowed himself to feel it fully, then let it pass. Frank wasn’t stuck because his source of love and self-worth didn’t depend on Beth alone; he had his own internal resources to draw from.

Within a couple of years, Frank was able to find love again, not because he’d “moved on” from Beth but because he had a stable foundation of self-love and resilience. He could honor Beth’s memory while still opening his heart to new experiences.

Why Some People Stay Stuck

Gary’s inability to move forward is rooted in his reliance on others to fulfill his emotional needs. For him, Samantha was not just a partner but his “higher power” or source of love. When she left, he felt as if he’d lost everything. This dependency left Gary feeling perpetually abandoned, recreating a pattern that would continue until he chose to take responsibility for his feelings.

Without doing the inner work to build a loving, stable relationship with himself, Gary would likely repeat this cycle, finding new partners only to feel abandoned and empty when things didn’t work out.

Moving Forward: Learning to Love from Within

Both Gary and Frank experienced loss, but only one of them was able to move forward. The key to healing lies in cultivating a deep, internal sense of love and self-worth. When we rely on others to be our source of happiness or validation, we risk losing ourselves when they’re no longer there. However, when we develop self-love and personal resilience, we can experience grief without getting lost in it.

Healthy grief allows us to feel the pain, release it, and ultimately find peace again. It reminds us that while relationships are incredibly valuable, our sense of self is something we build from within, grounded in self-compassion, resilience, and the knowledge that we are whole, even when life changes.